Give it up, Suck it up, or Grow up!

Dear Friend,

Well, in 3 days I'll be in Wisconsin, and I'm not looking forward to it. At all. I'm really sad, and dissappointed that I'll be halfway across the country for a freakin med change, and help with disordered eating. I would be disappointed in myself, but honestly, it's not like I asked to have this brain. I'm trying not to look as leaving home as a punishment, especially since I'm not a "bad kid" but that's awfully hard to do...
I hate talking about my feelings. I've been doing that since I was 11, and honestly, I'm sick of it. I hope that when I suck it up and talk about how I feel about junk in Wisconsin, that it will pay off, and I'll get better.
When I was hopsitalized the first time, the lady in charge of the adoloscent unit had a great motto, which I have stolen for my own: "Give it up, suck it up, or grow up." I love that phrase, and try to apply it to my life when I don't want to do something, or whatever.
I hope everything works out. I really do. I'm tired of feeling like a failure at life because of my inability to function at the level that society expects me to.
I get frustrated with grades at school, because they don't reflect my intelligence, they reflect how hard it is for me to do schoolwork at home, or my inability to focus, or how often I get sick. Just by looking at my grades, one could come to the conclusion that I'm dumb, when in fact, I just have trouble functioning. For Central Louisiana, I'm pretty smart, if I do say so myself. You just couldn't tell by looking at my grades. And that depresses me.
Anyways, I'll fill you guys in on how Wisconsin was when I return. Hope everyone's summer is bearable.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

my feet smell nice.

Dear Friend,

It's been 3 months since this whole Wisconsin/eating/homebound thing started, and I'm sick of it. I'm still at home, and not better. At all. Actually, things have gotten worse.

I'm all packed and ready to leave for Wisconsin, but the stupid admissions office people won't contact us to tell us when to leave. This whole situation gets me very frustrated.

On a happier note, my friend, Grace, is having her birthday on Tuesday. We're going to have a paint war, a picnic, and go to a thrift store. That is, if I'm still here. I wrote her a poem for her birthday, and would like to post it. So, here it goes:

GRACE
It is on this day honoring your birth
that we throw paint at each other in mirth.
You're a great friend, I hope you know
that how cool you are is something I cannot show,
Just like I can't right a sonnet, you see,
or swim across the Mediterainian Sea,
or survive being stung by a swarm of bees,
or for the rest of my life, just eat peas.
I can't express how neato you are
just like I can't drive a car.
Because, believe me, I've tried
and when I'm on the road, everyone should hide.
Instead of the bus,Trey should give us a ride
as long as he drives on the road, and not on the side
because then we would all die in a horrible crash.
The car would go smash,
my head would go bash,
and funerals cost lots of cash.
If you think that it is easy for me to distract
myself , well that is a fact.
I guess that's all I wanted to say -
just to have a happy birthday,
and Grace Merle Price
YOUR FEET SMELL NICE!

thanks for reading.
Love always,
Sara

anyways...

Dear Friend,

Well, I almost went to the hospital this morning. What a way to start the day...

I didn't go because I refused. I don't think that it'll help me. And the admissions folks are "assholes" according to mother. And that definitly isn't very comforting.

It's been beautiful outside, lately. I'm so glad that I didn't go to the hospital - you aren't allowed outside during your stay. The first time I was there, I didn't go outside for 2 weeks. That was pretty rough. And the shades are always closed on the windows, so there's no natural sunlight inside.

Oh! Great news!

I shall be the president of the Speech/Debate team for the 2010-2011 school year!!

I'm really excited about that. It's a humongous honor, and it's nice to have acknowledgement of my hard work that I've done in speech.

My new favorite band is Of Montreal. I highly reccommend you looking them up. My favorite song by them is "I Was Never Young". The artists in this band are geniuses. You don't have to like the style of music they play, but you HAVE to acknowledge the complexity of the music.

Well, you don't HAVE too...

Chickfila is my new favorite fast food restraunt. There's nothing like a peach milkshake to cheer me up.

Well, I guess that's enough of my rambling.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

It's such a burden to carry around the vestiges of dead dreams.

Dear Friend,

So, I've been getting better lately. These not-eating spells never last that long. So, it looks like I'll be going to Wisconsin even though I am eating and such. I will be going because I haven't attacked the "root of the problem" as my therapist calls it. It's a major bummer.

My friends have definatly been very kind and supportive of me lately. This means the world to me.

Tomorrow is the offical day that the homebound program starts. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to it. At all.

Anyways, that's about all the new I have here.
Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

Dear Friend,

Today was a pretty good day. My speech coach came by to visit me. I had a blast with her. She burnt me 7 CDs, and listened to what I had to say. We performed a ceremony where we opened a huge can of 6 month old Monster. That was pretty epic.

My friends mean so much to me. I don't know where I would be without them.

Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Just an Update.

Dear Friend,

Well, Wisconsin has accpeted me. I should be leaving in 4-6 weeks. I am not improving in my health, but I'm still alive. That's really all that matters now.

I really miss being able to function. But it's all good. I'll get better, right?

I could talk about all the "bad" things that have been happening lately, but I'ld rather not. I guess that "good" stuff that's happened lately has been getting a late birthday present from a dear friend, and knowing that my family and friends still love me.

Living has always been really hard work for me. Sometimes I wonder if it has been worth it. I think it has.

Well, sorry I'm so depressing now. I guess I'll logg off now. I'll try to keep you posted.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

You make me smile.

Dear Friend,

Well, a lot has happened this past week. Tomorrow I find out if I have been accepted to a hospital in Wisconsin. I really really REALLY don't want to go. But I must. And so I will.

My birthday was yesterday. It was pretty amazing. Some friends came over and I had a dinosaur cake.

Even though I am pretty sick, everything feels pretty right in the world, thanks to this amazing guy. He's the bright spot in my day, and I care about him very much.

Well, that's about all I have to say now.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

This is great.

Dear Friend,

So, I am probably going to the University of Michigan hospital intake program for adolesents with eating disorders.

*sigh*

I had so many plans, and now I cannot carry them out. My birfday party, and prom are no longer allowed to be on my list of things to do this year. I'm really bummed.

However, I do want to get better. And if going halfway across the country (again) will make me better, then by golly, I'm going to do that. It's only money, right?

Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my recovery and such. I doubt they'll let me use a computer in the hospital - it might take my focus away from myself and my eating.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

So, yea.

Dear Friend,

Everything always works out. I HAVE A PROM DATE!! I asked my good friend, Andrew, to prom even though he lives like 2 hours away. He's an uber sweet guy, and we have lots in common.

So, I don't trust my little sister anymore. She tells everything that I say to her to her bff. And that really ticks me off. I told her that I liked this guy, and she told her bff. And she wonders why I don't tell her anything!

My eating has been extremely minimal lately. I saw my physican today and he said that I was dehydrated, but not badly enough to go to the hospital (thank goodness). I have a speech tournament today, and I'm not sure I'll be able to go. I'm going to try really hard to go, however, because I'm in a team event, and my partner is depending on me.

Well, that's about all the news I have.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Let's start over in a coastal city.

Dear Friend,

Well, he doesn't like me. Oh wells. I'm pretty bummed, and really sad. But it's whatevers. I need to focus on school anyways.

It's been harder and harder to do simple tasks lately, like eat, do homework, or smile. I'm not sure what's wrong. I think it's time to make another Shreveport visit. Ugh. I hate doctor appointments.

Sometimes I want to give up. Not like die or anything though. Just take a break from living. Its hard work to live sometimes. I know that sounds weird. I guess it's one of those things that you only get unless you've experienced it.

I've got so many great things coming up soon - like my birthday party, and speech tournament - but I can't look forward to them. I'm using too much energy to get through the present.

In the car on the way home from speech practice today, K-LOVE radio was on (a Christian radio station) and I wanted to believe in Jesus again. I just can't. I refuse. I'm not trying to be rebellious, I just can't pretend to believe something as serious as this. I don't want to believe something just because my community does - I want to believe it because it's true. And I just don't agree with all of the things that the Christian faith believes. I hold absolutely nothing against Christians - I just don't think that the Christian faith is right for me.

Well, that's enough of my rambling.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

:]

Dear Friend,

Well, things are going alright, actually... Strange, isn't it? I guess I'll try to catch you up as to what has been going on in my life...

1. I am currently no longer a Christian.
2. I am getting mixed messages from my crush. (Gah! That sounds so elementary; to call him "my crush". Oh wells...)
3. I am currently in New Orleans for Spring break.
4. Father hurt his back.
5. The GEE (Graduate Exit Exam) is a piece of cake.

Well, as lame as that sounds, that is what has been going on lately. I'll try to check in more regurally...
Thanks for reading!

Love always,
Sara

YIIIPPPEEEE!

Dear Friend,

So, I went to the Catholic Forensic League qualifier tournament for nationals this weekend, AND I might get to go to Nationals!!! I am first runner up in Congress, so if anyone decides to drop out, I'm in!! I highly doubt that'll happen, but I am extremely proud of myself for making it this far.

Next weekend, I'll be going to the the National Forensic League qualifier tournament for Nationals. My coach highly doubts that anyone on our team will break, but you never know...

I really really REALLY hope I can go to state, even though I haven't qualified (our team can send 2 people who haven't qualified). It's going to be held at a local high school, and our team is good friends with the hosting high school's team.

Thanks for reading.
Love always,
Sara

GAH!

Dear Friend,

Yes, yes, I know, I know... I haven't blogged in forevers. I apologize.

Well, this weekend has sucked toenails. There's the deal: My closest guy friend EVER likes me. And I only like him as a friend. He's liked me like all year, and I'm very very VERY sorry to say that I have unintentionally led him on. I feel horrible. And now he's ignoring me. We haven't actually talked about him liking me or anything, but he had a conversation with my bffer and she told him that I didn't like him (without my consent, might I add). So now I'm really really REALLY stressed out. The End.

Thanks for reading.
Love always,
Sara

Failure.

Dear Friend,

Well, I tried. And failed. I went to school up till first lunch shift. Then I went home. I'm still not as well as I could be.

I don't like how my whole life is affected by a chemical imbalance. But whatevers. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

Motown isn't helping as much today. What would help is my little sister, but she's at school. I try so hard to be the best person I can be for a couple reasons, but the main one is so my little sister has an ok role model. I never want to let her down. She is the reason I'm who I am today. Heck, she's the reason I'm alive. I know that sounds uber emo and junk, and yes, I know that I shouldn't live for anyone but myself. Whoever said that you should only live for yourself has obviously never been uber depressed.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Happiness = Motown.

Dear Friend,

Motown is offically my happy music. I was a bit sad when I came home from school, and I decided to change my mood by listening to cheerful music. So thanks to The Tempations, Jackson 5, and my little sister, I am feeling better.

I've decided to not write about sad things in this entry. The world is full enough of sad things, and I'm not in the mood to contribute tonight.

For Mardi Gras break, my father and I are going to Disney World! I'm very excited. We will have 4 full days in Disney World, and 2 travel days. I can't wait. I went last year and had a blast.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Who Dat?!

Dear Friend,

That has got to be the most uninspiring phrase I have heard in a long time. I am not prone to support a team that can't spell correctly. Yes, yes, I realize that "Who Dat" is in a New Orleans dialect. I just wish that the Saint's motto was a little more relevant to the team and used proper English. But whatever works. I am pleased that my home state is receiving positive media, and if it takes misspelling "that" to receive it, I'm all for it.

I have never been a fan of the Super Bowl. Sure, I love the commercials, the nachos my dad makes, and the half-time show, but I can't stand football. It frustrates me how the football players get paid, (According to the NFL Players Association, this year the lowest paid players will make about 99-34 million, with the average at about 1.1 million. - source: wikianswers) while public school teachers make little to nothing. (Average Teacher Salary: $47,602 - source: www.teacher-world.com)

This example of sports being more important than education, clearly shows that America's priorities are not in order, in my opinion. I'm sure that playing football is a beloved pastime of many Americans, but is this sport more valuable than an education?

Pros of being a football player:
- oodles of money
- fame
- getting to play football as a living.

Pros of getting an education:
- more opportunities become available, whether it be occupations, business opportunities, etc.
- while football players can only play football for so long, due to injuries, aging, etc., intelligence gained from education never "retires". (Unless you get dementia. And that can't be predicted or controlled.)

So, there you have it dear reader - my opinion on football. My opinion isn't going to change how the American people think, or act, or how much my teachers will get paid. After all, America is a free nation; free to think, free to speak, free to act, and free to make mistakes.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

TWINS!

Dear Friend,

So, my most recent ex-boyfriend just showed up at my house, unannounced, and asked for his necklace back. We haven't spoken in a long time, and it ratteled me. At first, I was angry. Then I was sad. Now, I'm tired.

I think we could be ok friends, but nothing more because:

1. He lives in Jena. I don't do "long distance".
2. RESPECT is vital in relationships. He didn't respect me very much when we were dating.
3. We have nothing in common.
4. Our morals/values don't really match up.
5. He's not the sharpest crayon in the box.

On a happier note, my friend that I met in Lafyette, on a speech tournament , and I are TWINS! We both want to be Philosophy Professors when we grow up! How neato is that?!

Well, I've been thinking about napping for about an hour now, and I think I will do such at this time.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Friends.

Dear Friend,

Well, I took a "risk" and it paid off. I imed my friend I met at a speech/debate tournament, and we are totatlly twins! (We both want to be philosophy professors when we grow up.) It's great to have good friends, like I do.

So, I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. I love haircuts. I try to get a little bit different style everytime I go. After all, if I don't like it, it'll grow back.

Sorry for the boring update, not too much has been going on.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

thoughts.

Dear Friend,

Today isn't a great day, health wise, at my house. Mother has a hurt hip, Sister almost passed out and has a horrible cold, and I'm a bit yucky due to the med change. Dad's the lucky one - he gets to take care of all of us!

It's been raining since about 3 in the morning. Everything looks flooded. It's a good day to take a nap.

I've been a little bit lonely lately. I guess that's because I haven't been going to school regularly.

Sometimes I wish I had a more dominant personality. I am kind, and smart, and I listen well. I think I'm a good person to be friends with. I guess that when I dont' talk that much (which can be normal at school), people could think that I'm not friendly. And I could see how they could think that.

It can be frusterating how I put so much energy into a friendship, or relationship and things don't work out. I mean, I guess that's life. I've done all that I can do, and it's up to them to pull their weight for the friendship. If they don't want to be friends, then it's their loss.

It's so easy to say things like that. It's so much harder to believe them. Maybe if I keep saying them, over and over, I'll eventually believe it.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Ugh.

Dear Friend,

Yesterday was another Shreveport visit. My meds have been changed, yet again, and I feel horrible. Stupid side effects.

There's not too much in this world that is as comforting as my New Leaf sweatpants. At boarding school, the weekends were not always the best, due to all of the work I had to do when I was grounded. However, I could wear my sweatpants on the weekends. That made the days a little more bearable.

At New Leaf, there were 3 different levels: sun, moon, and star. I was on the sun level for my entire stay there: 9 months. When a girl reached moon, she could petition to be able to wear jeans, multi-colored shirts, and wear a little bit of makeup.

I don't understand how jeans, and shirts with writing on them, interfere with one's emotional growth. But what do I know?

Well, I could blog all day, but I am feeling rather ill at the moment. I'll probably post again later today.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

i'm either insane or a GENIUS!

Dear Friend,

-I think I'm having a stroke!
-What?!
-Of GENIUS!!!

This quote from The Producers pretty much sums up how smart I feel now!

Ok, here's my idea:
I had 2 different tabs (chords); one for Paparazzi by Lady Gaga, the other for Poker Face by Lady Gaga. They were in 2 different keys, so I changed both of their keys into one good for me. Then, I made a medley type thing with the two pieces. Next, I will either force my sister to sing, or find someone else to learn the music, and practice with them until it is perfect! Then, choreograph some insanely Gaga dance moves. Finally, find some shoulder pads and wigs and outfits with lots of sequins.

Now, why would I do all of this?? For the PHS TALENT SHOW!!!

I am so excited!

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

VICTORY!

Dear Friend,

Today I went to school! I'm very proud of myself. I've got a bunch of schoolwork to do, but it'll get done.

On a totally separate topic, I've decided that I want to be a philosopher when I grow up. I have come to the conclusion that the reason I enjoy Literature is because of the ideas expressed in the text, not the actual text itself. Therefore, becoming an English Professor might not be the best profession for me. But things can (and probably will) change.

Also, I am currently agnostic. This saddens me greatly. I just can't call myself a Christian when I cannot uphold their beliefs. I'm not even sure I want to uphold the beliefs. I have a lot of questions about God. Like, why do terrible things happen such as the Holocaust, if God is supposed to be merciful and loving? What happens to the people who haven't heard about Christ due to illiteracy or a language barrier? Do they go to Hell?

Just some food for thought.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Another night, another dream wasted on you.

Dear Friend,

Today wasn't that bad, actually. The new med I took last night needs a bit of tweaking, but otherwise, is working quite nicely. Unfortunently, I will be back in Shreveport tomorrow, to see my doctor. Hopefully I"ll be able to go to the last bit of the school day though.

My speech coach is amazing. My sister and I will be doing a duo of Jurassic Park, thanks to her amazing editing skills. My sister makes a GREAT dinosaur!

I am still hoping to get a call from a dear friend I met at a speech/debate tournament. I sort of doubt he'll call, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Hope.

Dear Friend,

Today has been good, surprisingly. What made it good was not the mundane task of picking up the house, or seeing dear friends; it was my mood. For some bizarre reason, I've been in an adequate mood all day today. But hey - I'll take it.

Today, I'm starting a new med. I'm not too excited about that, but my options are limited if I want to function to my best ability.

I've decided that the next book I want to read is The Bell Jar. My understanding is that this novel is the story of the author's life and trials with her mental health. However, first I must finish The Catcher in the Rye.

My mother told me the other day that J. D. Salinger (the author of The Catcher in the Rye) had passed away. That made me sad. I wonder if Mr. Salinger faced challenges like his character, Holden Caulfield, did.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Religion.

Dear Friend,

Again, no school today. This is getting quite tiresome - not going to school. So, what have I done today? Not much... Watched Project Runway, computered, and went out to eat for lunch.

Today, I am not only missing school, but also D-NOW. D-NOW stands for Disciple Now, and it is basically a weekend devoted to Christ. I've never been to one before, and I was really looking forward to going... But, of course, my brain hates me.

I live in the Bible Belt of the nation, where Baptists and Pentecostals reign supreme. The separation of church and state is sometimes ignored. I don't really know where I lie in this dilemma of being a zombie and believing everything one hears, or being over analytical and over analyzing EVERY detail.

I don't want to believe something just because someone says it's true. I was told that Santa Claus was real by my parents, and I believed them, and it wasn't true. Now, Christ and salvation is obviously more important than Santa Claus, however the same principle applies -- do I believe in Christ because everyone else is, or just because someone of power says that it's true? Or do I believe in Christ with all of my being because ....

I don't know how to finish that statement. I do believe in Christ. I promise. But I don't know why. I guess I believe in Jesus because I need hope. And Jesus is supposed to be hope.

My morals are similar to those of Christian faith -- Don't lie. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Don't kill others. Etc... What kills me sometimes is when some people will say they are Christians and not act like it.

Now, how is a Christian supposed to act? I could ask 20 different people that question and get 20 different answers. My own personal belief is that Christians are supposed to try everyday to act like Christ, to try to achieve the goal to glorify God, not for selfish reasons such as keeping a good reputation. Also, if one calls themselves a Christian, they are bearing Christ's name. I don't think that bearing Christ's name should be taken lightly. If someone calls them self a Christian and then gossips about others, or kills someone, or does something else that is not Christ like, then they are lowering the reputation of Christians.

Christianity lately has been a sort of casual thing, in my opinion. I became a Christian because I didn't have any more options. I was at the bottom of the barrel, and I needed help that my support team couldn't give me. I guess I needed God.

There is a lot of pressure in the Christian society today to "get saved." While I believe that "getting saved" is a definite life changing experience, pressuring someone into "getting saved" isn't the best way to approach spreading Christianity.

Now, what gives me the right to bash others and their beliefs? Friend, I have no intention to shove my questions and ideas down your throat. If I have done that, I apologize sincerely. Sometimes I feel like these "Christian" beliefs are being shoved down my throat. When this happens, I don't care if I agree with their point or not, I get frustrated. When sharing ideas about faith, the polite thing to do is to listen to what the other person has to say and calmly express your ideas on the matter -- NOT ARGUE! That is why I have almost given up on sharing my ideas with others -- I am not given a chance to explain my reasoning or even talk, at some instances. A good friend of mine said: "I don't have the right to shove my Christian beliefs down your throat, so what gives YOU the right to shove YOUR Non-Christian beliefs down MY throat?!"

My main goal in this venting process is to express my concern for my community, I guess. I fear that many citizens in this small southern town do not think to check for the truth before believing something, whether it be on politics, religion, or the weather. Just because the majority of a nation believes, or claims to believe, in something does NOT mean that it is correct, nor does it mean that YOU have to believe it. Insecurity is great in my home, school, and community. Life is short, and why spend it trying to convince yourself that you believe in something, when in all actuality, you don't. You lie just to fit in.

I hope that this entry hasn't angered you, or offended you in any way. Again, my intentions are NOT to be an arrogant snob, but to be thought provoking and question society and it's morals (or lack of morals).

Thanks for reading.

Love always,

Sara

today.

Dear Friend,

Well, things aren't going as planned today. I woke up, ate my breakfast, and took my meds INCLUDING the new one my doctor prsecribed yesterday. Ugh. I cannot express how much I despise taking medicine. After I had gotten dressed, I remembered my biggest fear about going to school -- lunch. My social anxiety has been pretty bad lately, and lunch is a difficult time for me. So, I called my mother and she came home from the gym. I cried a lot this morning. Mother and I drove to Lake Buhlow and tried to find solutions to the problems I am facing. We decided to get strawberries. Then we drove to school. I cried some more. Then we went home.

The thing that kills me, is that I saw my English class outside when we were driving off from school and I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE! I could have been with my friends, learning new ideas, outside with a great teacher. But no. Not today. My brain chemistry likes to keep me from enjoying life sometimes.

I am an awfully cynical, negitive person, friend. And for that, I apologize. I could blame this on my heredity, lifestyle, chemistry, or ideas on life. Instead, I choose to accept my outlook on life and realize that it is only one out of a million ideas on how to view life. Just because I choose to view life in a more negitive light, doesn't mean that life really is all that bad, or that everyone else has to view life the same way.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Life.

Dear Friend,

Just got home from Shreveport. That ride seems to get longer every month. When I got home, I found out that one of my former close friends had bossed my little sister around. That, my friend, is a BIG no-no. I can take being bossed around, or made fun of, or whatever for a little while, but when you do that to MY little sister?! Oh no... that's bad.

So, I had a conversation with her. She's pretty pissed. But then again, so am I.

I yearn for the magical age of 30. A long time ago, I decided that 30 is the perfect age. Most 30 year-olds are intelligent, mature, and have some life experience. Or maybe I'm just imagining that. I wish my generation was more mature.

I always think that things will be better somewhere else, or when I'm older. I want to test that theory. I doubt it's true. I still am counting down from my graduation date, however. I just want to start "life". Well, I guess I have, in a sense. It all depends on your definition of life. Let me see what Webster thinks...

Life- noun- the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

That's not helpful.

So, what's MY definition of life? Good question. I guess there is no "correct" definition, besides the whole "opposite of death" idea. Life can be experiencing happiness. Life can be an activity or hobby that makes you smile. Life can be your children, your sister, your parents. Life can be Jesus, or another religious figure. Life can be acheiving a goal.

Well, that's enough deep thinking for today.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

The Catcher in the Rye.

Dear Friend,

Today has potential to be a productive day. I'm not going to school today mainly because of the breakdown I had during 5th hour yesterday. That wasn't good. So, I will spend the majority of my day today riding with my mother up to Shreveport for a doctor's appointment. It's a bit frusterating that we drive for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment, but I guess it's worth it. My old doctor called me a "spoiled brat" last time I saw him. My current doctor has good bed side manners, and is extremely intelligent. Plus, he has an autographed picture of Oprah Winfrey in one of his offices!

I hope I don't cry today. Lately, when I've been sad, I haven't been crying, but sobbing. That takes a lot of engery out of me. Also, crying doesn't solve anything. Sometimes after I cry, I feel cleansed from my saddness. Lately, after I cry, I just feel tired.

January/February have always been difficult months for me. I don't know why. Maybe it's something in the air.

Yesterday, during my lunch hour, I spent it in an office by the freshman guidance counsler's office, weeping. I weeped at school for about half an hour. Two of my special ed teachers checked on me, and then my ENGLISH teacher checked on me. That made me very sad. I admire her so much, and she saw me at my weakest moment. And she cared about me! And I don't even contribute to the class' conversations! (That's because I'm too scared, but that is also besides the point...) I would like to be an English professor at a college when I grow up.

At times like these, I remind myself of Holden Caufield. You know, the main character in Catcher in the Rye. That's my AR book for the six weeks, and I have yet to finish it. I love that book. I haven't finished it because I find it sad, and right now I can be sad enough on my own without reading it.

Holden suffers from severe depression, just like me. Holden has intrusive memories about things he wishes he could change, just like me. Holden is sometimes suicidal, just like me. Holden gets sadder when happy things occur, just like me. Holden spends lots of money to try to get himself happier when he's sad, just like me. Holden is just like me.

Well, mother has awoken, and it's about time for my day to offically start.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

blahblahblah.

Dear Friend,

Well, today started out good. I woke up sort of on time, and got to school within first hour. Then school started. I have a mountain of school work to catch up on, which isn't that bad actually. I've kind of gotten used to it.

One of my close friends isn't being that understanding to the hard time I'm facing. And honestly, I kind of expected that they wouldn't be empathetic. Most of my peer group isn't. They simply can not grasp life concepts unless they have personally experienced an instance when they needed them. Basically, my generation's motto could be: If it doesn't apply to me, then it doesn't matter.

I like to think that I'm a bit different than my generation. Many of my peers will tell you that off the bat -- that I'm different. While I am grateful for my differences, it can also be a challenge with fitting in. I have never really fit in besides those one week summer camps where you don't really get to know anyone too well. For that one week, I would fit in, and make "friends" because no one really knew me. Or maybe they did know me, and they were different as well.

Well, I could blog all day, but I'm off to therapy now. I'll probably write again when I come back.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

...

Dear friend,

Just came back from speech practice, and thought I would say hello. I'm feeling much better today. It's funny how that happens - one day is rough, and the next is perfectly fine. I guess that's life.


For speech, I'm really excited about my Humorous Interpretation (HI). I shall be doing a summarized version of Twilight. Now, don't jump to conclusions, dear friend. Just because I mention "Twilight" does not mean I am a fan. In fact, I am the opposite. I mean, vegetarian vampires? *dramatic eye roll* Yea, great literature.



Yes, yes. I know that being anti-Twilight is very controversial, especially in the deep south. I guess that's just another thing that makes me different. I can be a literature-snob at times. I don't mean to be. I just am. I enjoy reading. Only good books though.



So what's my definition of a good book? Good question. Well, for starters, correct grammar can be nice. It is not required, however. If grammar is not used correctly,then I like the book to read like poetry. Example: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Even if correct grammar is used, it is highly appreciated when the words and sentences on the page metamorphosis into music or something abstract, like the wind. Example: Night by Elie Weisel. Yes, I realize that this sounds cheesy, but it's what I like. Oh! And fourth grade words are required. (Inside joke: one of my teachers and I call exotic words "fourth grade words". It's a long story...)



Now, what's my definition of a bad book? How about a storyline that is unimaginative, or over used. For example, the last time you went to Books A Million, did you happen to stop by the teens section? And did you happen to notice a whole section devoted to vampire novels? Well, in my opinion, I would call this an example of an over used topic. What also makes a bad book is when authors use explicit scenes when they are irrelevant to the plot. Example: Wicked by Gregory Somethingorother.

Well, I guess that's the end of my rambling for today.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Gibberish.

Dear friend,


Times have been a bit rough lately, so I thought that "journaling" would be therapeutic.



*bitter laughter*



Me?!?
Need therapy?!?!



Friend, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but I have decided that this blog is going to be truthful. I feel like most of the time, I have to hide what I'm thinking and feeling to the general public. This frusterates me sometimes. I mean, what I'm thinking normally isn't bad, or sinful; it's just... different. And where I live, it's dangerous to be different. So, I'm stuck having to decide whether to be accpeted or stay true to what I believe, and actually express my thoughts. The thing is, is that I don't care whether my community accepts me or not. That is, except when I'm lonely. Or made fun of. Or excluded. Other than those times, I could be expelled from the social groups of my small town and it wouldn't bother me at all.

That's why I want to go out of state for college. You see, I haven't told any of my friends yet that I don't want to go to school in my home state. Heck, I haven't even told my father! I'm sure that there are open minded people in many places throughout this state. I've even met a few of them here in this podunk place. But that's not the point. There will be open minded people everywhere. At least, I hope so. I'm going to find out.

There's this song that my little sister loves to play. I think it's by Augustina, or something. Anyways, the song's name is Boston. And I can really relate to the message of the song. My understanding is that the girl in the song wants to leave California and go to Boston, and start a new life, where "no one knows my name". It's not that I want to be a stranger in a foreign place, it's that I want to start over. I don't want to ignore my past, or forget the present, I just want a new place to have good memories in.

I grew up in a mansion, I guess you could say. What I didn't have in stability, I guess I made up for in money. Don't get me wrong, I have a few good childhood memories. But I also have the memories that are branded into your brain, and you can never forget. Memories that intrude into your thought process, memories that will never leave you. Basically, I want to leave the surroundings that some of my memories took place at.

I don't want you to think that I let these memories take over my life, dear friend. At some points in time, they did control my life, I'll admit it. But not now. I'm a big girl. And I know the "right things to say".

You know when you're at church, and the minister asks the Bible study groups questions, he always excepts "church answers". Well, not only am I "blessed" to know the correct "church answers" to say to difficult questions, I also know the correct ways of thinking, accroding to my therapist.

Yea, I have a therapist. I meant to bring that up later. Most people are scared of me when they hear I have a theapist. Or they are fascinated by it. I try not to bring it up much. It's not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, I just don't think most kids my age can handle the fact that I'm in therapy maturly.

Now, I'm not perfect and mature 100% of the time either, but I have had a lot of life experince. What's more than that, is that I've learned from my experiences too.

Anyways, this is getting awfully lengthy and I'm sure that you're getting bored.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,

Sara