Another night, another dream wasted on you.

Dear Friend,

Today wasn't that bad, actually. The new med I took last night needs a bit of tweaking, but otherwise, is working quite nicely. Unfortunently, I will be back in Shreveport tomorrow, to see my doctor. Hopefully I"ll be able to go to the last bit of the school day though.

My speech coach is amazing. My sister and I will be doing a duo of Jurassic Park, thanks to her amazing editing skills. My sister makes a GREAT dinosaur!

I am still hoping to get a call from a dear friend I met at a speech/debate tournament. I sort of doubt he'll call, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Hope.

Dear Friend,

Today has been good, surprisingly. What made it good was not the mundane task of picking up the house, or seeing dear friends; it was my mood. For some bizarre reason, I've been in an adequate mood all day today. But hey - I'll take it.

Today, I'm starting a new med. I'm not too excited about that, but my options are limited if I want to function to my best ability.

I've decided that the next book I want to read is The Bell Jar. My understanding is that this novel is the story of the author's life and trials with her mental health. However, first I must finish The Catcher in the Rye.

My mother told me the other day that J. D. Salinger (the author of The Catcher in the Rye) had passed away. That made me sad. I wonder if Mr. Salinger faced challenges like his character, Holden Caulfield, did.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Religion.

Dear Friend,

Again, no school today. This is getting quite tiresome - not going to school. So, what have I done today? Not much... Watched Project Runway, computered, and went out to eat for lunch.

Today, I am not only missing school, but also D-NOW. D-NOW stands for Disciple Now, and it is basically a weekend devoted to Christ. I've never been to one before, and I was really looking forward to going... But, of course, my brain hates me.

I live in the Bible Belt of the nation, where Baptists and Pentecostals reign supreme. The separation of church and state is sometimes ignored. I don't really know where I lie in this dilemma of being a zombie and believing everything one hears, or being over analytical and over analyzing EVERY detail.

I don't want to believe something just because someone says it's true. I was told that Santa Claus was real by my parents, and I believed them, and it wasn't true. Now, Christ and salvation is obviously more important than Santa Claus, however the same principle applies -- do I believe in Christ because everyone else is, or just because someone of power says that it's true? Or do I believe in Christ with all of my being because ....

I don't know how to finish that statement. I do believe in Christ. I promise. But I don't know why. I guess I believe in Jesus because I need hope. And Jesus is supposed to be hope.

My morals are similar to those of Christian faith -- Don't lie. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Don't kill others. Etc... What kills me sometimes is when some people will say they are Christians and not act like it.

Now, how is a Christian supposed to act? I could ask 20 different people that question and get 20 different answers. My own personal belief is that Christians are supposed to try everyday to act like Christ, to try to achieve the goal to glorify God, not for selfish reasons such as keeping a good reputation. Also, if one calls themselves a Christian, they are bearing Christ's name. I don't think that bearing Christ's name should be taken lightly. If someone calls them self a Christian and then gossips about others, or kills someone, or does something else that is not Christ like, then they are lowering the reputation of Christians.

Christianity lately has been a sort of casual thing, in my opinion. I became a Christian because I didn't have any more options. I was at the bottom of the barrel, and I needed help that my support team couldn't give me. I guess I needed God.

There is a lot of pressure in the Christian society today to "get saved." While I believe that "getting saved" is a definite life changing experience, pressuring someone into "getting saved" isn't the best way to approach spreading Christianity.

Now, what gives me the right to bash others and their beliefs? Friend, I have no intention to shove my questions and ideas down your throat. If I have done that, I apologize sincerely. Sometimes I feel like these "Christian" beliefs are being shoved down my throat. When this happens, I don't care if I agree with their point or not, I get frustrated. When sharing ideas about faith, the polite thing to do is to listen to what the other person has to say and calmly express your ideas on the matter -- NOT ARGUE! That is why I have almost given up on sharing my ideas with others -- I am not given a chance to explain my reasoning or even talk, at some instances. A good friend of mine said: "I don't have the right to shove my Christian beliefs down your throat, so what gives YOU the right to shove YOUR Non-Christian beliefs down MY throat?!"

My main goal in this venting process is to express my concern for my community, I guess. I fear that many citizens in this small southern town do not think to check for the truth before believing something, whether it be on politics, religion, or the weather. Just because the majority of a nation believes, or claims to believe, in something does NOT mean that it is correct, nor does it mean that YOU have to believe it. Insecurity is great in my home, school, and community. Life is short, and why spend it trying to convince yourself that you believe in something, when in all actuality, you don't. You lie just to fit in.

I hope that this entry hasn't angered you, or offended you in any way. Again, my intentions are NOT to be an arrogant snob, but to be thought provoking and question society and it's morals (or lack of morals).

Thanks for reading.

Love always,

Sara

today.

Dear Friend,

Well, things aren't going as planned today. I woke up, ate my breakfast, and took my meds INCLUDING the new one my doctor prsecribed yesterday. Ugh. I cannot express how much I despise taking medicine. After I had gotten dressed, I remembered my biggest fear about going to school -- lunch. My social anxiety has been pretty bad lately, and lunch is a difficult time for me. So, I called my mother and she came home from the gym. I cried a lot this morning. Mother and I drove to Lake Buhlow and tried to find solutions to the problems I am facing. We decided to get strawberries. Then we drove to school. I cried some more. Then we went home.

The thing that kills me, is that I saw my English class outside when we were driving off from school and I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE! I could have been with my friends, learning new ideas, outside with a great teacher. But no. Not today. My brain chemistry likes to keep me from enjoying life sometimes.

I am an awfully cynical, negitive person, friend. And for that, I apologize. I could blame this on my heredity, lifestyle, chemistry, or ideas on life. Instead, I choose to accept my outlook on life and realize that it is only one out of a million ideas on how to view life. Just because I choose to view life in a more negitive light, doesn't mean that life really is all that bad, or that everyone else has to view life the same way.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Life.

Dear Friend,

Just got home from Shreveport. That ride seems to get longer every month. When I got home, I found out that one of my former close friends had bossed my little sister around. That, my friend, is a BIG no-no. I can take being bossed around, or made fun of, or whatever for a little while, but when you do that to MY little sister?! Oh no... that's bad.

So, I had a conversation with her. She's pretty pissed. But then again, so am I.

I yearn for the magical age of 30. A long time ago, I decided that 30 is the perfect age. Most 30 year-olds are intelligent, mature, and have some life experience. Or maybe I'm just imagining that. I wish my generation was more mature.

I always think that things will be better somewhere else, or when I'm older. I want to test that theory. I doubt it's true. I still am counting down from my graduation date, however. I just want to start "life". Well, I guess I have, in a sense. It all depends on your definition of life. Let me see what Webster thinks...

Life- noun- the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

That's not helpful.

So, what's MY definition of life? Good question. I guess there is no "correct" definition, besides the whole "opposite of death" idea. Life can be experiencing happiness. Life can be an activity or hobby that makes you smile. Life can be your children, your sister, your parents. Life can be Jesus, or another religious figure. Life can be acheiving a goal.

Well, that's enough deep thinking for today.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

The Catcher in the Rye.

Dear Friend,

Today has potential to be a productive day. I'm not going to school today mainly because of the breakdown I had during 5th hour yesterday. That wasn't good. So, I will spend the majority of my day today riding with my mother up to Shreveport for a doctor's appointment. It's a bit frusterating that we drive for 2 hours for a 30 minute appointment, but I guess it's worth it. My old doctor called me a "spoiled brat" last time I saw him. My current doctor has good bed side manners, and is extremely intelligent. Plus, he has an autographed picture of Oprah Winfrey in one of his offices!

I hope I don't cry today. Lately, when I've been sad, I haven't been crying, but sobbing. That takes a lot of engery out of me. Also, crying doesn't solve anything. Sometimes after I cry, I feel cleansed from my saddness. Lately, after I cry, I just feel tired.

January/February have always been difficult months for me. I don't know why. Maybe it's something in the air.

Yesterday, during my lunch hour, I spent it in an office by the freshman guidance counsler's office, weeping. I weeped at school for about half an hour. Two of my special ed teachers checked on me, and then my ENGLISH teacher checked on me. That made me very sad. I admire her so much, and she saw me at my weakest moment. And she cared about me! And I don't even contribute to the class' conversations! (That's because I'm too scared, but that is also besides the point...) I would like to be an English professor at a college when I grow up.

At times like these, I remind myself of Holden Caufield. You know, the main character in Catcher in the Rye. That's my AR book for the six weeks, and I have yet to finish it. I love that book. I haven't finished it because I find it sad, and right now I can be sad enough on my own without reading it.

Holden suffers from severe depression, just like me. Holden has intrusive memories about things he wishes he could change, just like me. Holden is sometimes suicidal, just like me. Holden gets sadder when happy things occur, just like me. Holden spends lots of money to try to get himself happier when he's sad, just like me. Holden is just like me.

Well, mother has awoken, and it's about time for my day to offically start.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

blahblahblah.

Dear Friend,

Well, today started out good. I woke up sort of on time, and got to school within first hour. Then school started. I have a mountain of school work to catch up on, which isn't that bad actually. I've kind of gotten used to it.

One of my close friends isn't being that understanding to the hard time I'm facing. And honestly, I kind of expected that they wouldn't be empathetic. Most of my peer group isn't. They simply can not grasp life concepts unless they have personally experienced an instance when they needed them. Basically, my generation's motto could be: If it doesn't apply to me, then it doesn't matter.

I like to think that I'm a bit different than my generation. Many of my peers will tell you that off the bat -- that I'm different. While I am grateful for my differences, it can also be a challenge with fitting in. I have never really fit in besides those one week summer camps where you don't really get to know anyone too well. For that one week, I would fit in, and make "friends" because no one really knew me. Or maybe they did know me, and they were different as well.

Well, I could blog all day, but I'm off to therapy now. I'll probably write again when I come back.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

...

Dear friend,

Just came back from speech practice, and thought I would say hello. I'm feeling much better today. It's funny how that happens - one day is rough, and the next is perfectly fine. I guess that's life.


For speech, I'm really excited about my Humorous Interpretation (HI). I shall be doing a summarized version of Twilight. Now, don't jump to conclusions, dear friend. Just because I mention "Twilight" does not mean I am a fan. In fact, I am the opposite. I mean, vegetarian vampires? *dramatic eye roll* Yea, great literature.



Yes, yes. I know that being anti-Twilight is very controversial, especially in the deep south. I guess that's just another thing that makes me different. I can be a literature-snob at times. I don't mean to be. I just am. I enjoy reading. Only good books though.



So what's my definition of a good book? Good question. Well, for starters, correct grammar can be nice. It is not required, however. If grammar is not used correctly,then I like the book to read like poetry. Example: Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Even if correct grammar is used, it is highly appreciated when the words and sentences on the page metamorphosis into music or something abstract, like the wind. Example: Night by Elie Weisel. Yes, I realize that this sounds cheesy, but it's what I like. Oh! And fourth grade words are required. (Inside joke: one of my teachers and I call exotic words "fourth grade words". It's a long story...)



Now, what's my definition of a bad book? How about a storyline that is unimaginative, or over used. For example, the last time you went to Books A Million, did you happen to stop by the teens section? And did you happen to notice a whole section devoted to vampire novels? Well, in my opinion, I would call this an example of an over used topic. What also makes a bad book is when authors use explicit scenes when they are irrelevant to the plot. Example: Wicked by Gregory Somethingorother.

Well, I guess that's the end of my rambling for today.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Gibberish.

Dear friend,


Times have been a bit rough lately, so I thought that "journaling" would be therapeutic.



*bitter laughter*



Me?!?
Need therapy?!?!



Friend, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but I have decided that this blog is going to be truthful. I feel like most of the time, I have to hide what I'm thinking and feeling to the general public. This frusterates me sometimes. I mean, what I'm thinking normally isn't bad, or sinful; it's just... different. And where I live, it's dangerous to be different. So, I'm stuck having to decide whether to be accpeted or stay true to what I believe, and actually express my thoughts. The thing is, is that I don't care whether my community accepts me or not. That is, except when I'm lonely. Or made fun of. Or excluded. Other than those times, I could be expelled from the social groups of my small town and it wouldn't bother me at all.

That's why I want to go out of state for college. You see, I haven't told any of my friends yet that I don't want to go to school in my home state. Heck, I haven't even told my father! I'm sure that there are open minded people in many places throughout this state. I've even met a few of them here in this podunk place. But that's not the point. There will be open minded people everywhere. At least, I hope so. I'm going to find out.

There's this song that my little sister loves to play. I think it's by Augustina, or something. Anyways, the song's name is Boston. And I can really relate to the message of the song. My understanding is that the girl in the song wants to leave California and go to Boston, and start a new life, where "no one knows my name". It's not that I want to be a stranger in a foreign place, it's that I want to start over. I don't want to ignore my past, or forget the present, I just want a new place to have good memories in.

I grew up in a mansion, I guess you could say. What I didn't have in stability, I guess I made up for in money. Don't get me wrong, I have a few good childhood memories. But I also have the memories that are branded into your brain, and you can never forget. Memories that intrude into your thought process, memories that will never leave you. Basically, I want to leave the surroundings that some of my memories took place at.

I don't want you to think that I let these memories take over my life, dear friend. At some points in time, they did control my life, I'll admit it. But not now. I'm a big girl. And I know the "right things to say".

You know when you're at church, and the minister asks the Bible study groups questions, he always excepts "church answers". Well, not only am I "blessed" to know the correct "church answers" to say to difficult questions, I also know the correct ways of thinking, accroding to my therapist.

Yea, I have a therapist. I meant to bring that up later. Most people are scared of me when they hear I have a theapist. Or they are fascinated by it. I try not to bring it up much. It's not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, I just don't think most kids my age can handle the fact that I'm in therapy maturly.

Now, I'm not perfect and mature 100% of the time either, but I have had a lot of life experince. What's more than that, is that I've learned from my experiences too.

Anyways, this is getting awfully lengthy and I'm sure that you're getting bored.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,

Sara