anyways...

Dear Friend,

Well, I almost went to the hospital this morning. What a way to start the day...

I didn't go because I refused. I don't think that it'll help me. And the admissions folks are "assholes" according to mother. And that definitly isn't very comforting.

It's been beautiful outside, lately. I'm so glad that I didn't go to the hospital - you aren't allowed outside during your stay. The first time I was there, I didn't go outside for 2 weeks. That was pretty rough. And the shades are always closed on the windows, so there's no natural sunlight inside.

Oh! Great news!

I shall be the president of the Speech/Debate team for the 2010-2011 school year!!

I'm really excited about that. It's a humongous honor, and it's nice to have acknowledgement of my hard work that I've done in speech.

My new favorite band is Of Montreal. I highly reccommend you looking them up. My favorite song by them is "I Was Never Young". The artists in this band are geniuses. You don't have to like the style of music they play, but you HAVE to acknowledge the complexity of the music.

Well, you don't HAVE too...

Chickfila is my new favorite fast food restraunt. There's nothing like a peach milkshake to cheer me up.

Well, I guess that's enough of my rambling.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

It's such a burden to carry around the vestiges of dead dreams.

Dear Friend,

So, I've been getting better lately. These not-eating spells never last that long. So, it looks like I'll be going to Wisconsin even though I am eating and such. I will be going because I haven't attacked the "root of the problem" as my therapist calls it. It's a major bummer.

My friends have definatly been very kind and supportive of me lately. This means the world to me.

Tomorrow is the offical day that the homebound program starts. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to it. At all.

Anyways, that's about all the new I have here.
Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

Dear Friend,

Today was a pretty good day. My speech coach came by to visit me. I had a blast with her. She burnt me 7 CDs, and listened to what I had to say. We performed a ceremony where we opened a huge can of 6 month old Monster. That was pretty epic.

My friends mean so much to me. I don't know where I would be without them.

Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Just an Update.

Dear Friend,

Well, Wisconsin has accpeted me. I should be leaving in 4-6 weeks. I am not improving in my health, but I'm still alive. That's really all that matters now.

I really miss being able to function. But it's all good. I'll get better, right?

I could talk about all the "bad" things that have been happening lately, but I'ld rather not. I guess that "good" stuff that's happened lately has been getting a late birthday present from a dear friend, and knowing that my family and friends still love me.

Living has always been really hard work for me. Sometimes I wonder if it has been worth it. I think it has.

Well, sorry I'm so depressing now. I guess I'll logg off now. I'll try to keep you posted.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

You make me smile.

Dear Friend,

Well, a lot has happened this past week. Tomorrow I find out if I have been accepted to a hospital in Wisconsin. I really really REALLY don't want to go. But I must. And so I will.

My birthday was yesterday. It was pretty amazing. Some friends came over and I had a dinosaur cake.

Even though I am pretty sick, everything feels pretty right in the world, thanks to this amazing guy. He's the bright spot in my day, and I care about him very much.

Well, that's about all I have to say now.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

This is great.

Dear Friend,

So, I am probably going to the University of Michigan hospital intake program for adolesents with eating disorders.

*sigh*

I had so many plans, and now I cannot carry them out. My birfday party, and prom are no longer allowed to be on my list of things to do this year. I'm really bummed.

However, I do want to get better. And if going halfway across the country (again) will make me better, then by golly, I'm going to do that. It's only money, right?

Anyways, I'll keep you posted on my recovery and such. I doubt they'll let me use a computer in the hospital - it might take my focus away from myself and my eating.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

So, yea.

Dear Friend,

Everything always works out. I HAVE A PROM DATE!! I asked my good friend, Andrew, to prom even though he lives like 2 hours away. He's an uber sweet guy, and we have lots in common.

So, I don't trust my little sister anymore. She tells everything that I say to her to her bff. And that really ticks me off. I told her that I liked this guy, and she told her bff. And she wonders why I don't tell her anything!

My eating has been extremely minimal lately. I saw my physican today and he said that I was dehydrated, but not badly enough to go to the hospital (thank goodness). I have a speech tournament today, and I'm not sure I'll be able to go. I'm going to try really hard to go, however, because I'm in a team event, and my partner is depending on me.

Well, that's about all the news I have.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Let's start over in a coastal city.

Dear Friend,

Well, he doesn't like me. Oh wells. I'm pretty bummed, and really sad. But it's whatevers. I need to focus on school anyways.

It's been harder and harder to do simple tasks lately, like eat, do homework, or smile. I'm not sure what's wrong. I think it's time to make another Shreveport visit. Ugh. I hate doctor appointments.

Sometimes I want to give up. Not like die or anything though. Just take a break from living. Its hard work to live sometimes. I know that sounds weird. I guess it's one of those things that you only get unless you've experienced it.

I've got so many great things coming up soon - like my birthday party, and speech tournament - but I can't look forward to them. I'm using too much energy to get through the present.

In the car on the way home from speech practice today, K-LOVE radio was on (a Christian radio station) and I wanted to believe in Jesus again. I just can't. I refuse. I'm not trying to be rebellious, I just can't pretend to believe something as serious as this. I don't want to believe something just because my community does - I want to believe it because it's true. And I just don't agree with all of the things that the Christian faith believes. I hold absolutely nothing against Christians - I just don't think that the Christian faith is right for me.

Well, that's enough of my rambling.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara