Give it up, Suck it up, or Grow up!

Dear Friend,

Well, in 3 days I'll be in Wisconsin, and I'm not looking forward to it. At all. I'm really sad, and dissappointed that I'll be halfway across the country for a freakin med change, and help with disordered eating. I would be disappointed in myself, but honestly, it's not like I asked to have this brain. I'm trying not to look as leaving home as a punishment, especially since I'm not a "bad kid" but that's awfully hard to do...
I hate talking about my feelings. I've been doing that since I was 11, and honestly, I'm sick of it. I hope that when I suck it up and talk about how I feel about junk in Wisconsin, that it will pay off, and I'll get better.
When I was hopsitalized the first time, the lady in charge of the adoloscent unit had a great motto, which I have stolen for my own: "Give it up, suck it up, or grow up." I love that phrase, and try to apply it to my life when I don't want to do something, or whatever.
I hope everything works out. I really do. I'm tired of feeling like a failure at life because of my inability to function at the level that society expects me to.
I get frustrated with grades at school, because they don't reflect my intelligence, they reflect how hard it is for me to do schoolwork at home, or my inability to focus, or how often I get sick. Just by looking at my grades, one could come to the conclusion that I'm dumb, when in fact, I just have trouble functioning. For Central Louisiana, I'm pretty smart, if I do say so myself. You just couldn't tell by looking at my grades. And that depresses me.
Anyways, I'll fill you guys in on how Wisconsin was when I return. Hope everyone's summer is bearable.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

my feet smell nice.

Dear Friend,

It's been 3 months since this whole Wisconsin/eating/homebound thing started, and I'm sick of it. I'm still at home, and not better. At all. Actually, things have gotten worse.

I'm all packed and ready to leave for Wisconsin, but the stupid admissions office people won't contact us to tell us when to leave. This whole situation gets me very frustrated.

On a happier note, my friend, Grace, is having her birthday on Tuesday. We're going to have a paint war, a picnic, and go to a thrift store. That is, if I'm still here. I wrote her a poem for her birthday, and would like to post it. So, here it goes:

GRACE
It is on this day honoring your birth
that we throw paint at each other in mirth.
You're a great friend, I hope you know
that how cool you are is something I cannot show,
Just like I can't right a sonnet, you see,
or swim across the Mediterainian Sea,
or survive being stung by a swarm of bees,
or for the rest of my life, just eat peas.
I can't express how neato you are
just like I can't drive a car.
Because, believe me, I've tried
and when I'm on the road, everyone should hide.
Instead of the bus,Trey should give us a ride
as long as he drives on the road, and not on the side
because then we would all die in a horrible crash.
The car would go smash,
my head would go bash,
and funerals cost lots of cash.
If you think that it is easy for me to distract
myself , well that is a fact.
I guess that's all I wanted to say -
just to have a happy birthday,
and Grace Merle Price
YOUR FEET SMELL NICE!

thanks for reading.
Love always,
Sara

anyways...

Dear Friend,

Well, I almost went to the hospital this morning. What a way to start the day...

I didn't go because I refused. I don't think that it'll help me. And the admissions folks are "assholes" according to mother. And that definitly isn't very comforting.

It's been beautiful outside, lately. I'm so glad that I didn't go to the hospital - you aren't allowed outside during your stay. The first time I was there, I didn't go outside for 2 weeks. That was pretty rough. And the shades are always closed on the windows, so there's no natural sunlight inside.

Oh! Great news!

I shall be the president of the Speech/Debate team for the 2010-2011 school year!!

I'm really excited about that. It's a humongous honor, and it's nice to have acknowledgement of my hard work that I've done in speech.

My new favorite band is Of Montreal. I highly reccommend you looking them up. My favorite song by them is "I Was Never Young". The artists in this band are geniuses. You don't have to like the style of music they play, but you HAVE to acknowledge the complexity of the music.

Well, you don't HAVE too...

Chickfila is my new favorite fast food restraunt. There's nothing like a peach milkshake to cheer me up.

Well, I guess that's enough of my rambling.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

It's such a burden to carry around the vestiges of dead dreams.

Dear Friend,

So, I've been getting better lately. These not-eating spells never last that long. So, it looks like I'll be going to Wisconsin even though I am eating and such. I will be going because I haven't attacked the "root of the problem" as my therapist calls it. It's a major bummer.

My friends have definatly been very kind and supportive of me lately. This means the world to me.

Tomorrow is the offical day that the homebound program starts. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to it. At all.

Anyways, that's about all the new I have here.
Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.

Dear Friend,

Today was a pretty good day. My speech coach came by to visit me. I had a blast with her. She burnt me 7 CDs, and listened to what I had to say. We performed a ceremony where we opened a huge can of 6 month old Monster. That was pretty epic.

My friends mean so much to me. I don't know where I would be without them.

Thank you for reading.

Love always,
Sara

Just an Update.

Dear Friend,

Well, Wisconsin has accpeted me. I should be leaving in 4-6 weeks. I am not improving in my health, but I'm still alive. That's really all that matters now.

I really miss being able to function. But it's all good. I'll get better, right?

I could talk about all the "bad" things that have been happening lately, but I'ld rather not. I guess that "good" stuff that's happened lately has been getting a late birthday present from a dear friend, and knowing that my family and friends still love me.

Living has always been really hard work for me. Sometimes I wonder if it has been worth it. I think it has.

Well, sorry I'm so depressing now. I guess I'll logg off now. I'll try to keep you posted.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara

You make me smile.

Dear Friend,

Well, a lot has happened this past week. Tomorrow I find out if I have been accepted to a hospital in Wisconsin. I really really REALLY don't want to go. But I must. And so I will.

My birthday was yesterday. It was pretty amazing. Some friends came over and I had a dinosaur cake.

Even though I am pretty sick, everything feels pretty right in the world, thanks to this amazing guy. He's the bright spot in my day, and I care about him very much.

Well, that's about all I have to say now.
Thanks for reading.

Love always,
Sara